Cupid rampage creates uproar at clinic

  • Published
  • By Senior Airman Kali L. Gradishar
  • 52nd Fighter Wing Public Affairs
The Spangdahlem medical clinic is being inundated with patients claiming significant symptoms of love, and officials believe it could be Cupid running riot through the Eifel region.

After more than half the base population complained of symptoms such as chocolate cravings, flower picking, excessive hugging and inexplicable outbursts of poetry, wing leadership and the public health flight declared an official love epidemic.

Because the risk to Spangdahlem's mission is so high, officials are searching feverishly for Cupid to create an antidote for the intense feelings and emotions people are experiencing.

"If we cannot find the antidote quickly, the base's mission will likely fail," said Tech. Sgt. Darrell Layne, public health flight chief. "Instead of turning wrenches, maintainers are craning their necks when the so-called love of their life passes by. Instead of guarding gates, security forces members are daydreaming about chocolates and flowers.

"On top of that, there are rumors the song for retreat will be changed to 'When a man loves a woman' sung by the wing commander," he said. "Cupid must be caught."

Cupid is typically thought to be an adorable cherub whose golden arrows cause his victims to fall deeply in love. His adorable nature is assumed to have turned mischievous as he's amplified the number of victims he targets. He seems to be focusing solely on the Spangdahlem area creating unusually strong feelings in the most unlikely of individuals.

"I first noticed something was wrong when I felt a tear stream down my face while watching the most exquisite sunset. The blues and pinks and purples caught my eye, and I just couldn't control myself," said an anonymous 270-pound bodybuilder. "If my friends ever knew I shed a tear at those stunning colors in the sky, my reputation would be ruined."

Other victims noticed an increase in heart rate, weak knees, stomach butterflies, spontaneous folly and foolishness, and being unexpectedly smitten. Public health officials have noticed some common characteristics that seem to be causing the most intense emotions in those affected by Cupid's arrows.

"We are advising women to avoid all men with mustaches," said Tech. Sgt. Tammy Jenness, force health management NCO in charge. "Mustaches are apparently hypnotizing women. This increases the woman's desire to primp their hair and make-up, creating a cycle as the men then become more interested in the dolled-up women.

"Sabers should be very aware and cautious about this," she said.

Those not already affected by Cupid's powerful love-toting arrows are teaming together in search of the character, who was once thought to be the mythological Roman god of love. Officials are now acknowledging Cupid is more than just a mythical creature or cheesy Valentine's Day icon.

"The signs are all pointing to Cupid as the culprit of this love epidemic," Sergeant Layne said. "Cupid must be caught alive and unharmed. We'll need to shave his mustache and draw his blood to produce an antidote that should send Sabers back into their normal state."

Though there is not a proven method to evade Cupid's aim, there are some precautions Sabers may take to avoid being love-struck.

"Sabers are advised to carry a pink-colored item, as this could confuse Cupid into thinking that person has already been affected," Sergeant Jenness said. "Pink pens, paper, a trinket - anything should work."

In the meantime, public health officials are encouraging people to avoid those already affected by the love epidemic and dodge all golden arrows if at all possible.

Editor's note: The article above is fictional and written in the spirit of Valentine's Day.