Sexual Assault Awareness Month: giving reaps personal rewards, growth

  • Published
  • By Senior Master Sgt. Cheryl L. Toner
  • 52nd Fighter Wing Public Affairs
SPANGDAHELM AIR BASE, Germany --  I lied on my victim advocate application. As I sat in the interview to become an advocate, I merely wanted the formalities to be over with. I wanted to help women who were sexual assault victims, but I wasn't like one of them.

According to a March 2008 report released by the Department of Defense's Sexual Assault Prevention and Response Office, there were 2,688 sexual assaults in the military during fiscal year 2007. On the civilian side, studies say that one of every six women will become a victim of sexual assault. Of those assaulted, various reports estimate that about 60 percent of the assaults go unreported.

Like so many military people, I always have wanted to be involved, and not just in this arena. I was a Big Sister for Big Brothers and Big Sisters for five years. I've volunteered for numerous other things, like reading with kids at school, Special Olympics, you name it, I wanted to help. However, nothing will hit you between the eyes harder than being there for someone who is about to get a rape kit done.

A few years ago, I was called one weekend to the base emergency room. A young lady who was allegedly raped was curled up in a fetal position on one of the beds in the ER. The Sexual Assault Response Coordinator introduced the two of us in this sterile, surreal and awkward situation. The victim had a choice to let me help her, to let her know what her options were and just generally be a person she can call and lean on through the whole process. Worse than a blind date, I hoped she liked me, that she wanted my help.

As luck would have it, she wanted me to stay. Through the entire miserable process, she wanted me there. As the kit was done, I explained things to her. I held her hand. I stroked her hair and her arm. I tried to hold my tears back as she cried. I wasn't successful in holding back my tears.

Throw in the OSI interview with her and friends and the process ended hours later, long after the sun dipped below the trees. As she went home, I did too. A couple of beers later and a close friend to hang out with, I broke down and cried like I never have before.

I explained to my friend that at about five years old I was sexually assaulted by a close relative. I explained in detail like I never have on what happened to me -- the events of one of the earliest memories in my entire life.

I never told anyone until I was over 30 years old. Growing up, my father said if anyone ever touched me or my sister, he would kill them. We believed my dad and, after all, we liked that relative.

I don't know what my "victim" did that night, and I can only imagine how she felt, but despite the painful memories that surfaced for me, I was grateful that she allowed me to help her.

Sexual Assault Awareness Month is April. The form that I filled out to become a victim advocate asked if I was a victim of sexual assault. That was my lie. My omission. That line left blank.

Whatever you do to give back, you may find an unexpected reward in helping others. I was finally no longer felt the need to hide what happened to me. I was one of them, and that's OK. Despite the tragedy of sexual assault, this is why I love the military and the "family" we have.

If you can find it in your heart to give back in some way, you may just realize that you're doing more than helping someone else. Whether you volunteer to be a coach, a tutor, a victim advocate, or anything else, you may just grow as a person. My friend helped me as well as my "victim." I can only hope that I could help that wonderful young lady in some small way.