Sexual assault: survivors walk among ‘the common people;’ are here to help

Published Nov. 5, 2008
By Senior Master Sgt. Cheryl L. Toner
52nd Fighter Wing Public Affairs

SPANGDAHLEM AIR BASE, Germany -- I was 18. It was by somebody I met the night before at a party. I had too much to drink. I never really drank before that and I pretty much passed out. I remember waking up and telling him, "No," and trying to push him off, but I had no energy or strength. I passed out again, woke up with evidence of the assault. I had never gone that far before, I just knew and felt different. I guess I was a little naive - I never knew what "date rape" was; I just thought of rape or assault as a stranger at knife-point type situation. I always thought I would be one that would fight back and never let this happen to me. I think that was one of the biggest shocks to me is I didn't fight. I'm very independent, I thought; strong. I blamed myself for the longest time...

And most people are probably thinking, "Yeah, yeah, some more sexual assault stuff we've already heard about. Plus, we're in the Air Force and we're in a safer environment." Right? We have wingmen who look out for us, right?

Wrong.

At Spangdahlem, there have been 57 reported sexual assaults in the last three years. Earlier this year there were three reported sexual assaults in a single weekend. While the scenario above happened to a Saber years ago at another location, this same scenario is happening here, now.

According to Capt. Jamie Fanning, 52nd Fighter Wing sexual assault response coordinator, at an initial glance an increase in reporting may seem like a negative trend; however, the realization is that 80 percent of victims typically do not report the crime. This means word about the program is reaching the intended audience and they are confident in the program's ability to provide around-the-clock response capability, sensitive care, and confidential reporting for eligible victims of sexual assault.

While the stats here seem dismal, the trend doesn't have to continue.

Supervisors can impress upon their Airmen that when they agree to be a wingman, they take it seriously. They need to make sure the person they agreed to look after makes it home OK, alone, and the "click" of the door locking is heard before walking away. In group situations, if something doesn't seem right, it probably isn't.

Of the 35 Victim Advocates at Spangdahlem, more than one person had a personal story they were willing to tell. While everyone volunteers for various reasons, traditionally, many VAs volunteer to help victims of sexual assault because either they, or someone close to them, has been assaulted.

Here, three sexual assault survivors who are stationed at Spangdahlem agreed to share their stories. Their messages are twofold: both that help is available and that bystanders and friends can and need to step in if they notice something is "off."

Captain Fanning said that while everyone got the message of "stranger danger" when they were children, this is not usually the case. Of the three people here who volunteered to tell their stories, two were acquaintance rapes and the third was spousal. The accounts, which have been paraphrased and are recounted anonymously, are very similar to what has recently happened here.

'Julia'

I was assaulted the first time when I was 19 by my ex-husband. We were only married one year and I stayed for three more years, where he did it again two more times. I stayed in the marriage for four years and never reported the assaults.

I was in the Reserves and there weren't any programs like the SARC/VA available at the time. I could have received civilian assistance, but I was only 19, scared, and the assaults were coupled with emotional and physical abuse.

If there were SARC/VA programs in the early '90s, it would have been nice to have an unbiased party to just listen and point me in the right direction; to tell me that it was OK to report it if I wanted to and to provide me an explanation of my options.

I feel that being a VA is so important. It is vital for people to know the resources you have and the avenues you can take to get help. A spouse, a friend, a significant other, a stranger (VA) ... the victim should understand that it is OK to be scared, it is not their fault, and they can get help with or without reporting to the authorities. Just understanding the program and being there for someone is sometimes the best help to give.

For my situation, honestly, I had the "there's something wrong here" feeling prior to the marriage. The assaults did not surprise me. It scared me and made me feel like it was my fault he had to take and not ask. He convinced me that regardless of wanting to or not, it was my duty as his wife. I was young and thought that if I was a better wife he would not hurt me.

Everyone in my family was really surprised that I was leaving him. They thought that we were perfect. When they finally listened, they noticed ... the change in me.

'Lucy'

It was late, on base at the club and everyone I knew left. I didn't realize the time. The busses and taxis quit running. A guy who was shooting pool with us offered to walk me home. I thought it was better than going alone and I was new there. After about an hour or so after walking, he offered to let me sleep at his place. I called my supervisor, but by that time it was at least 3 a.m. and there was no answer.

I eventually agreed. He gave me something to sleep in and I slept in his bed and he slept in a chair. When I woke up and realized what he was doing, the first thing I did was to break contact and I told him to get out of bed. I didn't know what to think; I didn't know it had fallen under definition of rape. I hadn't flirted, kissed or held hands, gave no indication that I was interested. But it didn't matter. It angered me. I got my clothes on and went out the door and got a cab back to my room.

I didn't immediately report it. I got back to my room and was confused. OK, how could I have been so stupid to trust him? He came off as a really nice guy. When I confronted him, he did the, "I didn't know," or, "I wasn't thinking." It's not like he was attacking me. If I reported it, what would happen?

It was about four days before I reported it. What changed my mind was that I talked to some of my friends, just in general, and how many of my friends had been through situations like that and didn't say anything. I didn't want that to happen to someone else. Here's my chance to do something. Let's put it to the test - step forward and say something and hope that there is justice for what happened.

Reporting, overall, to my leadership was extremely supportive. Also, by having a VA, I always had someone to talk to or ask about appointments -- everything was worked out for me.

Over three months, there were a lot of changes, a lot of mixed emotions. I probably didn't handle it the best. It did have a strong effect on me. I didn't want to keep on bringing it up to people, even though I had a VA, but if you try to keep too much of it to yourself, the result can be destructive. It would have been a lot worse without a VA. I'm not going to sugarcoat it, it's not easy. However, it helped to get that closure, to know that I did say something. Had I not, it probably would have affected my self esteem, what I thought about myself, drinking, work. There were certain things that were affected, but it would have been worse.

The result after three months: the person was found guilty, reduced to rank of E-1, sentenced to 90 days in jail, was dishonorably discharged and had to become a registered sex offender.

And yes, I would do it again. But I would do two things differently. I would report faster - not so much with people believing you -- but the whole DNA side of that. Also, I now know that it was OK to talk to people that I didn't have to try and handle so much of it by myself.

'Melanie'

(Continued from the beginning of this article.) I didn't report it. I wish I would have, but I was underage and drinking and I blamed myself. I don't think I even knew where to report it.

I think I would have benefited from a program like this. Just talking to somebody about it and realizing it wasn't my fault would have helped me over the years. This is something that doesn't ever go away - you just learn how to let it affect you and hope that you walk away stronger. Also, the guy needs to be held accountable for his actions; whether he thinks he did anything wrong or not. Sometimes they just don't realize - as long as you educate both sides, maybe they will realize it. Yes, I've seen the AFN video/sexual assault video - and it's pretty accurate.

I hope I can help by just being there for the victim and listening. I always thought rape happened because of a stranger or violent act. I never dreamed it could be something like date rape - or a 'low threat' environment. I really hope that I don't have to deal with a situation because I don't want it to happen to anyone (from a VA perspective). I wouldn't want anyone to go through the pain and heartache that I have been through. Education can hopefully help prevent pain. Also, we need to make sure the victim knows their rights and help them with coping mechanisms to make them deal with the situation and hopefully not let it control their life.

If you want to become a Victim Advocate, or if you want to report a sexual assault, call DSN 452-7272 or, from off-base, 06565-61-7272. There is always someone available.